Get Real Change

The process of letting go is one of life’s biggest challenges for me.  For much of my life, I didn’t even know it was something that was worthwhile to do, and I certainly didn’t know how to do it.  This can include letting go of just about anything – from relationships or careers or jobs that aren’t working, to how I think something “should be”, or to stuff I’ve accumulated. So what that meant was that I was missing an important piece of how to make changes in my life or accept changes that inevitably come my way. I didn’t get that making a change could possibly lead to something good, better, or maybe even great!

I was a nervous wreck when Rob, my ex, and I moved from Florida when I was 45.  In fact, I kept the house there in case the move turned out to be a bust.  I have had five moves since then, and haven’t looked back.  Each one has been so stimulating, rich with new experiences and interesting people to meet and new friends to make.  There has been lots of letting go to do along the way.

My perspective is changing to becoming willing to let go of the old, knowing that when I do, room is made for the new to come in.  It is scary, especially when I don’t know what is going to take shape next, AND, because of what has unfolded with my recent changes,  I know that it is within the realm of possibility that something really valuable may be waiting for me.  Plus, I know that I can have an impact on what unfolds with the attitude I choose to have.

There is a Joseph Campbell quote I love that relates here –  ”Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.”

Read more:http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/joseph_campbell.html#ixzz1GPtrDyqN

Jack and I have had many conversations about selling our condo over the past few years, and we are getting serious about it. We want to cut down on our housing expenses, and free up some money for other possibilities, such as more travel. I’m going with the plan that we only need to know what the next right step is, and not necessarily the outcome. This approach comes under the umbrella idea of “trusting the process”. I’ve approached a number of situations like that in recent years and have been quite pleased with the outcomes. I’ve had mixed feelings about doing this because we live in a beautiful townhouse with a gorgeous courtyard garden, and the Vineyard Lane community is in walking distance to the ferry and to downtown Winslow on Bainbridge Island. However, we have talked to a realtor, and they are coming by tomorrow to look at the townhouse.

I love observing my process with making a change! It took a while for me to become willing to do this, but now that I’m willing to let go of the status quo, I’m beginning to see all kinds of great possibilities that could come from making this change. Neither Jack not I become very attached to a dwelling, both of us having made many moves in our lives, particularly in recent history. I love the relationships I’ve developed through the moves I’ve made, I’ve loved being in the different geographic environments, and I’ve loved the different growth experiences I’ve had through all my moves.

One of the challenges is sorting out what the two of us really want to do at this time in our lives in the face of the various societal shoulds that are out there. Fortunately for us, we have learned how to do this, and are listening to our hearts as we open ourselves to this new direction. Jack is 72 and I’m 61 AND neither of us feels old! So, I have a feeling that we are opening the door for some interesting and stimulating new adventures if we just keep taking our next right steps, one after the other.

Every now and then I notice that I am reacting to certain situations in a different way. In the past, I’ve observed changes in myself when I started sharing more of my experience with certain students or clients, rather than being concerned about appearing as the “expert”. This will be another blog post unto itself. What I’m noticing now is that I am experiencing more compassion than judgment with certain things that those close to me do. To be generous with myself , I’d say I’m expanding my compassion to new areas with them. I’ve developed compassion with some of the larger issues people have, such as with an addiction or a psychological problem, but things like needing to be told things more than once has been a big source of irritation and judgment for me. In the past I have experienced this as though someone has broken the “one time” rule deliberately to irritate me and try my patience. (I felt the shadow of my mother pass through me as I wrote that last statement.) So, I am pleased to be able to put my focus on simply repeating the information so the person gets the information, without my somehow taking this personally or making a judgment of the other person.

My path of growth is filled with meaningful changes like this this one. I am so glad that I can continue to become more of the person I want to be, one step at a time. I know there are so many opportunities for my growth waiting for me. I’ll be exercising many new spiritual muscles over time.

I gave a friend the book “The Speed of Trust” by Covey a few years ago, and I just borrowed it back.  It dissects trust into many elements, and it is helping me see what pieces are working for me and what I need to do more personal work on.  I think something along the lines of focusing on “the highest and greatest good for all concerned” is where I want to focus my intention.  That EGO (easing God out) sure can try to take center stage unless I am being very mindful.  Life is amazing, with all the opportunities for growth along the way – I think I’ll take them!  Then, of course, more will be revealed, and then there are more opportunities showing up, and on and on and on.  Wouldn’t have it any other way…

It is really something to look back over a period of time and see how one’s perspective can change.  I am looking at a work situation from a much bigger perspective now than I did 6 months ago.  Had to get through my own emotional process, one I am quite familiar with, with being angry my initial default reaction.  The real cure for me, beyond owning my feelings, (I’m beginning to think for just about anything) is talking to another person about the situation, and assimilating other perspectives.  Sharing with someone else and hearing their thoughts keeps me in the flow, and moving along.  Isolation for me can lead to stuckness.  The whole process of giving and receiving is interrupted, and movement can cease.  I am reminded of the old saying of ” The mind is like a dangerous neighborhood, you should never go in there alone.”

I know there is a time for introspection, and I generally give myself that.  Reconnecting with the flow is what I can strengthen to have the greatest benefit for all concerned.

Sometimes being in the right place at the right time does wonders.  When I was a graduate student doing a practicum at the university counseling center, I heard about an Assertiveness Training group for Women for the first time.  The counseling center wanted to start one, and I was recruited to be a participant.  I would have preferred to observe it through the one way mirror, but that was not an option.   Did that group ever open my eyes!  I realized that I had no models for assertive behavior, and didn’t have a clue as to how to go about behaving assertively.  I had only seen aggressive behavior and non-assertive behavior at home, and my style was to simply alternate between those two options.  So, back in 1974, I got a clue about how I had certain rights as a human being, and that there was a way to communicate my feelings, beliefs, and opinions that could be respectful of myself and others.

Fast forward to the late 1980′s…..this was when I was exposed to literature about Adult Children of Alcoholics, and began to hear the term “codependent”.  I was reading everything about this subject that I could get my hands on.  The concept of boundaries kept being referred to, and I had real difficulty understanding what these boundaries were, exactly.  I got the sense that this was going to be very significant to me, but it wasn’t fully sinking in.  Well, I came to realize that at home, we didn’t really operate with boundaries, either, and that’s why I had such difficulty grasping the concept.  I hung in there, and eventually, I got clear on the subject of boundaries.

These two subjects have made a HUGE difference in both the direction my life has taken and the improved quality of my life.  These subjects often come up in the work I do with others because both a lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries can be major obstacles to a person living a life that they choose for themselves.  These are both great examples of how my struggles in both these areas can be used to help others come into themselves more, and learn how they can express themselves in a respectful and empowering way.

Something I’ve learned to do that helps me move forward is focus on and acknowledge what I have already accomplished, rather than focusing on how much more I have to do.  I gain energy when I see that I am already moving along my path and recognize how many steps I have already taken towards my goal.  Conversely, I can feel the energy drain and my mood sink when I am always focused on how I’m not “there” yet.

Today was a good example.  I was out riding my bike, and rode up a hill I had not been able to climb before.  It’s not a big hill compared to lots of others in the area, but it’s always been a challenge for me.  I really doubt that I would have gotten to this point without my acknowledging my small steps along the way.  And I mean small steps.  I got the road bike at age 56, eventually got clipped in, figured out the mirror, finally got the gears down, and now it’s fun, and I can do so much more than before.

The other big piece that serves me is the perseverance.  My mother was one determined woman, and I got the message.  I’ve been know to downplay getting great gifts from her, but this stick-to-it-tiveness has paid off for me in spades.  Sometimes, I may misuse the skill, along the lines of beating a dead horse (some of these old saying are just awful, aren’t they!) or forcing solutions, but when focused properly, many wonderful things can unfold.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I have told coaching clients that it was ok for them to do something.  I remember a particular situation where a person had been laid off, and we discussed the possibility of her just enjoying her newly-found time off, at least for a while.  She asked me if she could really just do that.  I said that it looked like a choice she could make if she wanted to, and if she needed someone to give her permission to enjoy herself, I’d be happy to do so.  Sometimes it comes up as ” can I say no?” or “can I say what I’d prefer in a given situation?”  Part of what I love about  my work is getting to say yes and teaching others to do the same for themselves.  Notice how many things you say no to in your mind before you even let yourself explore new possibilities.  What if you allowed yourself to have an idea and let yourself fully explore it before casting it aside?   You may find a way for it to work if you stay open to all the possibilities.

Normally, I don’t like to show up to the outside world until the change (whatever it is) is complete, finished, with all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed.  I would have learned to water ski in private if it were possible, not wanting anyone to see me until I was a skilled skiier. I am experimenting with an alternate approach here.  I just connected this blog to my website, which is in the process of being revised, and the revision will probably happen in installments.  Perish the thought!  So, you’ll have the opportunity to come along on the journey with me.  The funny thing is, this is how change actually happens, one step at a time.  Isn’t it interesting that so many of us think we can’t show up until we’re all “perfect”?  I’ve had the opportunity of being present to someone else’s learning steps in a professional capacity, and – guess what? – it became a great growth opportunity for me to see how her evolution took place.  So, I’m passing this opportunity along to you.

I’ve been learning more and more about doing business online, and I’m putting pieces of it in place in fits and starts.  Not too organized, but progress is being made.  So, I’ve reconnected with my web person to get the revisions going, I’m posting on a few different sites that are relevant to my target population, which has finally become clear to me.  FYI – it’s mid-life women (and some special men) who are moving into their next stage of life, attempting to determine what that’s going to be for them, and how they’re going to bring it into reality.  As a career and life coach, I’m  here to help with clarifying their vision and putting it into action in a meaningful way.

Now, my interest is revived in Get Real Change because I like to be somewhat spontaneous in my writing.  Bottom line is that seeing everything as “works in progress”, including me, is a perspective that really serves me and lets me show up wherever I am in that process – with the feelings of the moment, with the questions that are coming up, and with the incompletions.  This is feeling very freeing, breaking out of that old rigid box of “impression management” !

I’ve seen in both myself and others the tendency to say “x would never go for that” and not even give x a chance to say yes or no.  I find myself frequently saying to myself and my coaching clients -” let the world respond, don’t make the “no” decision for them”.  How many times I have been surprised by someone’s interest in something I was just sure they wouldn’t want.

There is a risk involved – someone might say no to you.  Someone might say YES to you, too, and you’ll never know that, or be able to help them if you have already disqualified them in your own mind at the outset.

How do you challenge your assumptions about what someone will do?   What if you just ask them?   Remember, when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME.